Dealing with Offense and Offended People

Hurt, Offense, Anger, Bitterness, never gets better on its own.

Over the last few months I have thought a lot about these sort of things. I know a few people that have had a chance to act out on these issues. They say that misery loves company – where does all of these things fit in with that adage?

A pastor taught a series on all of this years ago. The scripture reference he used was about the sycamine tree, this tree produces a fruit similar to a fig only the taste was very very bitter. The Sycamine tree is mentioned only in Luke 17:6.

The point also is the type of roots that the tree grows. This particular tree has roots that are gnarled and twisted and a single root of which is capable of starting a whole new tree.

Luke 17: 6And the Lord said, If ye had faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye might say unto this sycamine tree, Be thou plucked up by the root, and be thou planted in the sea; and it should obey you.

I have met strangers – total random people that are christians. Once they hear I am a christian and then something happens – the strangeness vanishes and suddenly in a distant sense we know we are family.

The next thing you know we are catching up on how we got to where we are – through the love and Grace of God and the ups and the downs. One such time it was a man on the train in Europe, myself and a friend were on our way to the capital city from the smaller city we were staying in. We had a wonderful time sharing testimonies and all the amazing things that God had done for us… so much so that the others on the train with us were leaning in to catch the conversation. That sort of thing happens when you start talking about healing and miracles and so forth. I always take note of when that happens cause its good to be able to turn the conversation… with that in mind i was disappointed to where the conversation went next.

So where you heading to in Capital city? the man asked us.

Well the long answer was I was going to meet up with my future wife at her church … however I didn’t go into all of that. Before I could speak my friend chimed in telling the man that we were heading to the church service of a specific name.

What?! What??!!! Don’t tell me you’re going to THAT PLACE!!!! Let me tell you about that place!!

And so the tirade began… volumes of bitterness and hate poured out where recently the praises of God came from.

After he finished he looked at us as if to see if somehow we were convinced not to go to the church then. I just said it was nice talking to you – and turned around. He made angry mad upset noises and harrumphed to himself and turned around as well. The man that was with Mr Bitterness was embarrassed as was I and my buddy…. I was hoping to use what we had built up to – to share Jesus with other people around us… that was blown up fast.

Well we went to that church and had a great time… I got to see my future wife and so on and so forth…. but back to the point.
James 3:11 Doth a fountain send forth at the same place sweet water and bitter?

Bitterness and regret and hurt has a voice – its obvious to the people in the train that morning when it started talking – disgust and anger takes over a happy countenance and soon what was a quiet conversation has turned into a single person shouting and vomiting words of offense and hate all over you.

Bitterness and offense is an injury that is never allowed to heal. The human mind is a complex computer – things it cannot file away properly that are major events or thoughts get replayed again and again and again in the mind until it is dealt with and forgotten or remembered and rehashed until its a trauma to the psyche.

The Bible talks about David having these issues in Psalms 40:2 it talks about the Horrible pit that David was delivered from. In essence a echo chamber or room of noise. David is talking about his thoughts in his own head that God was able to deliver him from. Psalms 40:2 He brought me up also out of an horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, and established my goings.

Bitterness is like a bitter fruited tree that has roots that dig in deep and are hard to dig out.

Why deal with hurt and offense? Why not just ignore it and feel justified right or wrong in what you did, said, or spew on others? Matthew 18:15
Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother.

16But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.

17And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as an heathen man and a publican.

This is Jesus talking about offense. He says to deal with it. Not let it fester and boil like a sore until its so painful and infected that it cannot be dealt with.

In my short time on the planet so far I have ran into too many bitter people… I swear they all put on the same voice and snarl at you in the same way regardless of the nationality and accent.
Pompous self Justification for holding onto the hurt and taking every opportunity to spread it. It is literally like peeling off the scab of a barely dried wound and making it bleed all over again.

5 years 15 years 20 years later you still have not moved on and grown past it… you mention the name of the person place or thing that offended you and the bitterness is fresh as the day you decided to keep it.

Yes, Bitterness is a choice. Its not justifiable to keep hurt and offense if Jesus tells you to deal with it. Old and New Testament also talk about how when you have an issue with a brother that God will not accept your prayers or sacrifice until you deal with the issue.Matthew 5:24 – Leave there thy gift before the altar, and go thy way; first be reconciled to thy brother, and then come and offer thy gift.

You hear that offended christian? Deal with the bitterness, deal with the issue – or God won’t answer your prayers…. ouch!

Looking at a bit more of Matthew 5 – 22But I say unto you, That whosoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment: and whosoever shall say to his brother, Raca, shall be in danger of the council: but whosoever shall say, Thou fool, shall be in danger of hell fire.

23Therefore if thou bring thy gift to the altar, and there rememberest that thy brother hath ought against thee;

24Leave there thy gift before the altar, and go thy way; first be reconciled to thy brother, and then come and offer thy gift.

25Agree with thine adversary quickly, whiles thou art in the way with him; lest at any time the adversary deliver thee to the judge, and the judge deliver thee to the officer, and thou be cast into prison.

Some of the things – ridiculous things people make up as well to justify their bitterness in the secular world would be enough for a law suit for Defamation and slander – yet we overlook these things in the Christian world.
Worse yet are the people that listen to such nonsense and believe it. Believing every word out of the mouth of someone in such a case soon has you half offended at the issue as well.

Deal with the offense. Deal with the hurt. Years later the person place or thing has moved on and does not give you a second thought after dealing with the issue the right way – your still hurt.

A minister tells the story of a woman that came up to him after a meeting… She told him about how her father used to verbally abuse her and put her down and how she has never been able to get past those issues.
The minister mentioned the fact that it could be termed as child abuse and there is no statute of limitations in the USA about that sort of thing and she should take him to the police – She stopped him and told him – No no… he died years ago. She was still being controlled by the thoughts and issues of her childhood because the hurt and offense was never dealt with.

Yes – Granted it is very easy to say Deal with it… Get over it… Move on.
However it is harder to get past and to grow from those experiences. In a very real sense it is an injury and a wound and a bruise when hurt – offense – and bitterness occurs.

Bitterness is what develops when the hurt and offense is not dealt with.

That Sicamine tree started as a seed. Before that – it needed a patch of ground to be cultivated to grow in. Before that – something had to happen to dig in to the ground to make the ground ready for seeding.

We humans in our ego and emotions and opinions put so much of ourselves exposed to others in our normal day to day dealings that it is easy to get our fair share of cuts and scrapes.

Lately I have found that if I am tired I will walk right into doors sometimes and not even realize it. Who is to blame? Just me not the door. It’s my fault that I was overly tired and not paying attention.

When we get hurt we tend to blame others. Its human nature. Sometimes we don’t even realize we are passing the blame even when its pointed out to us. At Kids camp this past year my wife and myself watched events unfold where one kid would accidentally trip and fall because they were not paying attention – only to hurt another kid by accident. When they one that caused the hurt looked around – he would quickly point to another kid that had nothing to do with the indecent and say “he pushed me its his fault”

These are traits that we picked up long ago as part of our fallen nature. We never want to blame ourselves for the issues and problems we have in life. Most every issue would be solved if only we dealt with them and talked them over with those involved… yet hurt and offense blind you to this simple solution and try to get you to cultivate the hurt even more. The “I am not going to talk to them about that… I did nothing wrong… they should come to me and on my terms to get that sorted out!”
We humans tend to wear our emotions on our sleeve when it comes to this sort of thing.
Ego steps in and makes it an issue so big that you cannot get passed the issues but can’t deal with them either.

Just about a hundred years ago people used to duel with pistols if a slight offense occurred between to people. A fight to the death! I bet your ego would love that today. Thank God that sort of thing is outlawed now – with todays issues and incomprehensible ego trips and sensibilities we would have a fraction of the population in the world just from road rage – let alone person to person relationships.

So this hurt – how do you get rid of it before it festers?

Just like a real life physical injury – it has to be medicated and properly seen to.
The first step – right or wrong – is to forgive the person or persons that hurt you and caused the injury to your ego. Most often people don’t even know they hurt you in the way that you feel you were hurt. The injury is yours.

The maturity side of things comes in to play at this point. Are you grown up enough to work out what happened – why you became upset at things and to deal with it in a responsible way? Or will you just like a child – point to the first person that comes to mind and say its their fault not mine.

But your saying now – I can hear you clearly thinking it even… “They did it on purpose” “I am right and they are wrong” “They should have known it would upset me” And so on and so on…

Our egos will hardly ever ever tell us we are wrong – Our conscience will always be overcome by our emotions and self justification.

So – the bible teaches us that if there is an issue between you and someone else to deal with it… get it sorted and move on – forgiving them and getting on with what you have to do. Do we do that in reality? Often times we do not.

Another minister tells the story of when he first got settled in to being a pastor. He said the amount of issues and picking and squabbling that he heard was unreal. One such occasion he said he saw a woman who had stopped coming to church and just went over to say hi and see how she was doing. She eventually told him that the reason that she stopped coming to church was she didn’t like the color of the carpet.

Offense and bitterness will grow over the smallest and silliest things – let alone deep down meaningful things. Often you will find that the big things people get upset about all started over small things that were never dealt with.

So your hurt – you didn’t deal with the hurt and things got worse. Now you’re looking for any and every reason to find fault with a person place or thing. And if you look for faults you will find them – even down to the color of the carpet. And you let them add up and build up until something breaks inside you… your common sense usually.

At that moment you will find that things that matter deepest to you and you want to get them right… if things don’t happen just the way you want it to or imagine that it will… you follow the hurt and offense to the next step and not your common sense.

The still small voice on the inside tells you one thing – but you follow the one that makes your ego feel good and your feelings hurt even more and you feed that anger and bitterness to the next progression.

Your sicamine tree grows fruit – and you have a bumper crop!
You know the hurt and offense so well now that you seek it out. You share your fruit with everything and everyone willing to even take a bite of it… and what do you know – the bitterness grows and spreads. People take your offense and are just as upset about it as you are and it didn’t even happen to them! Thats a great product you have there. Too bad that it will keep eating away at you until you deal with it.

5 years from now… 20 years… mention the name of the person that hurt you or the event… its as fresh as ever. Bile and bitterness will spew forth like a drunk that had one too many. That my friend is the evidence that something is not right.
And until you deal with it. It will never get better.

 

Dealing with Offense and Offended People

I have put down the ground work in the previous post at least the basics… about the issues we have to deal with in that sort of situation. In this next section we will be looking at dealing with it in our own hearts and in dealing with others that are offended at you – as well as offering advice (in love) to others that are offended and desire to move passed it.

Ourselves. I have had numerous occasions to become hurt upset offended and so forth… yet I would imagine the person I aspire to be or hope that I am… to not be the type of person that has hate and anger towards others. I mean who in their christian walk does want that sort of thing to hang on to them?

The bible teaches us to use Jesus for our template on our character – our behavior – and our actions… no I will not quote the standard WWJD at you… oops I think I just did.
Sorry – Anyway with that in mind – let us examine ourselves and think of anyone and everyone you have ever met – heard of – dealt with over the course of your life.

Is there anyone in your minds eye you are now beating with a stick or kicking over a cliff? That my friend is the key to spotting the people that have hurt you and you have issue with still.

Joking aside… it may be a regret about how things were left between the two of you – pain and hurt in a small to great way when you think of them or even their name.

That is what you’re looking for. “Hey…” your saying to your computer now… “How in the world do I deal with that issue, it’s been years… or I just cant face that person.”

The first part is easy, it sounds like a Mind trick but its more simply called Faith and Forgiveness.

As a christian you have a thing called faith… its a muscle some people seldom use. Well this issue amongst all others will get more workouts dealing with this sort of issue that even believing for most else in your life.

You need to take your faith… and believe by faith that you forgive them. Go to God in your prayer time and ask for help working things out in your heart over the hurt and pain and say “By Faith – I forgive XYZ and the hurt that was caused Right or Wrong. I want to forgive them” If you deal with that every single time you go to God in prayer until you really find that you can forgive them and leave the issue in your mind and have peace about it… then you can truly forgive them and move on.

Forgiveness is not just words.

In my wife’s family they have a tradition on dealing with forgiveness, say you’re sorry even when you’re not until you mean it… and even if you don’t forgive someone right away tell them you forgive them.
I won’t lie to you – even in simple cases of something small its difficult to do. Your hurt wants to cling on… My wife has nearly got me trained now… to accept her apology even if I don’t want to at that moment and vice-versa of course.

So it may take time and a lot of faith and effort on your part but if you can start working on it… its like the Sycamine tree and its roots – you may have to dig down to sort them out and even turn over that soil a few times to make sure you got it all out… but if you can work on it you will find that it heals… something wonderful grows in its place.

The Un-offendable man…Its possible – just possible that you will learn to deal with these sort of issues early in life so that you end up becoming some sort of abnormal person that goes through life without getting hurt or upset by anyone. Yet it is very unlikely that even if that is your intention that you would succeed for long. People have a knack to rub anyone the wrong way given enough time. But in reflex if you train yourself you will be able to forgive people and move on…

The Pompous man… You have been probably imagining this person in your head the whole time… going around to every person that has ever even looked at him the wrong way and walking up to them – getting right in their face and saying “I forgive you for hurting me and being offensive” walking away while the other person is confused and a little angry. The act of forgiveness is not a blanket license to become Mr. Super Christian in everyones face and going over and telling people that so and so hurt you but you forgive them… then going to the next person and telling them the same thing… So and So hurt me but I forgive them.

That is not forgiveness that is spreading hurt and offense under the guise of forgiveness. IF YOU ARE A TRUE CHRISTIAN YOU WOULD NEVER EVEN MENTION TO ANOTHER ABOUT THE HURT AND OFFENSE SOMEONE CAUSED YOU IF YOU TRULY FORGIVE THEM. Sorry for shouting but seriously. Stop the pious Christian act and using forgiveness as a cover story for running around to everyone and vomiting on them your bile.

Proverbs 17:9 (King James Version)

9. He that covereth a transgression seeketh love; but he that repeateth a matter separateth very friends.

Proverbs 17:9 (Amplified Bible)

9. He who covers and forgives an offense seeks love, but he who repeats or harps on a matter separates even close friends.

This is YOUR subject covered here… this is your example and help if you just pay attention.

To COVER a transgression is a Godly trait. to COVER IT…. COVER. It means to hide it – not to tell anyone else – work on it forgive it and forget it. COVER IT.
An offense or hurt right or wrong is a matter FIRST between you and God. You have to deal with it to even keep your relationship with God right. Secondly between you and the person that hurt you right or wrong. Go to them and talk to them if you so desire and need to (IF YOU DON’T NEED TO GO TO THEM EVEN BETTER) forgiveness can be done long distances and great gaps of time apart from the issues and people involved… if its real forgiveness.
Thirdly between you and your heart… forgive this person deep down so much that the next time you see them your more likely to bless them with a gift – a car – money – because you love them in your heart so much that you even want to show your outward man that you truly forgave them.

Lastly – in your mind forgive them. Do your best to forget even what was the cause or slight that made the offense happen in the first place. Cast Your Cares Upon the Lord. Cast away your thoughts of the hurt and offense and bitterness and think on good things about the person – think on ways you can move passed everything. Then and only then can you move on with your relationship with God and others.

“Some things are unforgivable.” Really?!? Seriously?!!?

Jesus bore every sickness and sin on His body for your sake and you can’t forgive someone for forgetting to say hello to you? Or forgetting to give you a card? You honestly can’t get passed something someone said to you in love that you took for judgment against you?

Grow up.

If God who forgave the ultimate amount of offenses and transgressions against anyone EVER… can forgive us of our sins how much more so should we forgive others that hurt us… AND MEAN IT!!!

You baby. You infant. You simple minded fool. How arrogant are you to not be able to forgive any transgression against you by anyone else ever??

There are people in modern day ministry that were raped, molested, sold into prostitution, sold into slavery, and worse… that forgave people that hurt them and have the testimony of a fruitful life of serving God to back it up. They may share briefly where they came from but they use that to help others and bring them to the saving knowledge of God and His forgiveness. They do not go around repeatedly rehashing the crime or offense against them and their life like a broken record even in the guise of forgiving the people involved.

Worse yet – there are people that are so called christians that did these sort of things while wearing the name of a religion while they did unspeakable things to others. Do not hear me the wrong way. I wish that those sort of people were rounded up and burned alive on public display. Yet for you and your own growth and to get passed the injury you have to forgive them.

You did hear about the tribe of cannibals that ATE the christian missionary – then generations later they contacted the family of the missionary and asked for forgiveness from them because they wanted to move forward passed the major hurt they caused them.

If you forgive someone that hurt you – and they may have even hurt you on purpose. It gives you the grace to move on and not look back while they remain bitter and spiteful.

Now. I am talking to you now. You there reading this page by accident but curiosity took over and you can even feel the offense and hurt justified or not that someone else caused you. You do not own that hurt. Its not yours. It belongs to Jesus. You have to let it go and let God start dealing with you on how to move passed it.

Jesus bore our sickness and disease and was bruised for our transgressions… and by His stripes we are healed. That price was paid not only for our price we owed God – but one another. We were already sinners, what is a transgression? A hurt or offense caused by someone you trust. They transgressed passed a line. They crossed a boundary.
A sinner is on the unforgivable side already – yet God forgave them. The transgressions are for the things we do even after getting salvation. Offenses towards God and each other.

Isaiah 53:1Who hath believed our report? and to whom is the arm of the LORD revealed?

2For he shall grow up before him as a tender plant, and as a root out of a dry ground: he hath no form nor comeliness; and when we shall see him, there is no beauty that we should desire him.

3He is despised and rejected of men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief: and we hid as it were our faces from him; he was despised, and we esteemed him not.

4Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows: yet we did esteem him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted.

5But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed.

6All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned every one to his own way; and the LORD hath laid on him the iniquity of us all.

7He was oppressed, and he was afflicted, yet he opened not his mouth: he is brought as a lamb to the slaughter, and as a sheep before her shearers is dumb, so he openeth not his mouth.

8He was taken from prison and from judgment: and who shall declare his generation? for he was cut off out of the land of the living: for the transgression of my people was he stricken.

9And he made his grave with the wicked, and with the rich in his death; because he had done no violence, neither was any deceit in his mouth.

10Yet it pleased the LORD to bruise him; he hath put him to grief: when thou shalt make his soul an offering for sin, he shall see his seed, he shall prolong his days, and the pleasure of the LORD shall prosper in his hand.

11He shall see of the travail of his soul, and shall be satisfied: by his knowledge shall my righteous servant justify many; for he shall bear their iniquities.

12Therefore will I divide him a portion with the great, and he shall divide the spoil with the strong; because he hath poured out his soul unto death: and he was numbered with the transgressors; and he bare the sin of many, and made intercession for the transgressors.

Let it go. Correct your behavior in the eyes and sight of others if you have used forgiveness as a blanket excuse to slander or spread hurt and offense in the ears of others. Then tell yourself that you want to by faith forgive the hurt done to you and grow up… move on. Get on with the things you have to do in life.

Then and only then will you be able to fulfill all that is in your lifetime to achieve.

The test may come suddenly one day when you run into that person. Or someone mentions that name or even the event. And if you can look them in the eye and say ” I handled that situation all wrong. What happened hurt me because I took it the wrong way and I abused that hurt and spread it to others. Forgive me for what I did.” Or better yet. If you can face them and smile with a genuine smile and shake their hand and not for a second remember even what it was that you were ever upset about because you dealt with it years ago then you can see now that you did forgive them honestly and truly.

If not…

Some young eager christian moving to a new country to do mission work will meet you on the train, chat and share about the amazing things God is doing in the world… and if they mention the place of hurt and bitterness in innocence to you… and you vomit and spew offense and anger all over him about it… its a good sign that you did not forgive. Perhaps then you need to start again with the first post.

To a point this post is not about anything specific or anyone specific. But I felt that I needed to write this out just in case someone somewhere may happen upon it and need this issue dealt with to some degree.